a fresh start

So I have been seriously slacking the past few months. I've been eating horribly, not working out. I think I have actually gained back a few pounds. Not good. I have been so unmotivated. Often I have to drag myself to the gym and then when I am there make myself actually do more than a little cardio. I have been better about eating more salad, but I just got back from a weekend at camp where I completely gourged myself. I've tried to put myself on diets, I've tried to restrict certain foods or just count calories, but it doesn't seem to work. I'm not sure what I can do to remotivate myself. I try to get Jonathan to police my behaviors, but then I just get mad at him. I try to give myself rewards for following a program, but I reason my way out of following it. Strictness doesn't work for me and moderation doesn't work for me. I am really at a loss. Maybe I should try to put signs up around the house, or pictures to remind me what my goal is and why I am doing this. One thing I have found, is I cannot buy junkfood. If it isn't in the house, I won't eat it, but if it is, I will.

I did have a good idea to go and read my school books at the gym on the treadmill in addition to my regular work outs. Why not read while I walk uphill instead of on the couch? All I know is I need to start over. I am sick of being this way and I am sick of how long it is taking. I am also thinking about going to get my blood sugar levels checked again as the doctor said if I lost 10 pounds it would probably be normal again, and I've lost about that. If that doesn't take care of it, I will reconsider taking the meds for it, which could be what is holding me back with my weight.

I realized something else though. In high school, I was never hungry. I never ate breakfast, sometimes I ate lunch, but rarely. Even though I had ice cream everyday, I only ate one meal a day until sr. year. So no, I wasn't intentionally anorexic, but I probably was very malnourished. When i started eating more regularly (i.e. when i stopped smoking cigarettes), I started gaining weight. I don't know how that helps me now, but its something I realized.